365: on friendship, self love & next steps.

a year ago today I wrote two posts about my pending time abroad. It is difficult to believe that 365 days has passed. This milestone is an appropriate opportunity to comment on the Blessings that I have been granted this last year, the set backs, the heart break & the growth. What a wild year 2011 was and if you’re down to read I’ll recap some of the highlights.

Lesson 1: Friendship

Every time I think of England I smile. What an amazing time in my life. Don’t get me wrong I had my dark days there. I hurt, I mourned and I was also deeply disappointed by different things. Buttttt I met some of the most amazing people ever. EVER. I’m not sure if people have ever loved me so easily as they did in England. I’ve had amazing friendships in the states but nothing as effortless as the friends I made in England. So much love that I noticed a gentleness in myself.  A gentleness that  previously only characterized a love that I had for a very limited group of people. It was so fulfilling to care for others in this way openly and without shame. I tried it out in Chicago…I think it worked.

As my time in England concluded I often wondered why I didn’t have friendships back in the states that were equally as satisfying. I realized that I look at my friends the same way I look at myself: with a seriousness and deep sense of criticism. I called it ‘high expectations’ and of course it was rooted in good intentions. (I must use the same contractor who paved the path to hell). I have ‘high expectations’ for them I expect them to have the same for me. Friends are supposed to keep you on your toes after all. But in all honesty that’s not the kind of motivation I need from my friends and that’s not the type of motivation I want to give my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in having standards for my friends and I always want to encourage and give honesty but there’s a better way. I’m my own toughest critic from my friends I need the compassion that I’m unable to give myself (yo, I didn’t say I had it down son, but I’m working on it).

Lesson 2: Self Love

Have you ever woke up in the morning and enjoyed who you are? The feeling that you get from your body when you stretch? The way it feels to wiggle your toes? Knowing that you can make yourself laugh because in your mind you’re the world’s best comedienne? Yeah that feeling is divine. I had a lot of that in England annnnd in Chicago. In part because I had boss friends (see Lesson 1) who thought I was cool just the way I was and their positive energy rubbed off and then I thought I was cool. It was like a weird circle of positive energy and I was at the epicenter; just vibing with the universe. Knowing how to love yourself is the first lesson in learning how to love others…folks will tell you that. Listen to them because they speak the gospel truth.

Not everyday will you wake up and think you’re awesome. Sometimes you’ll wake up and all you’re be able to focus on is that horrid morning breath, or how crusty your eyes are, or something stupid or mean you may have said or done the other day. Just wake up, go tinkle, wash your hands, brush your teeth, wash your face (do these EVERYDAY) & look in the mirror, promise to try and not make the same mistakes and then forgive yourself and also, if it’s your thing go ahead and ask the Father for forgiveness too. It’s okay. Repeat these as often as necessary for clarity and strength.

I’m still in a state of flux. I haven’t gotten this new found zen down packed. And I’m still liable to swing back to a dark place. It’s common that people will take this new found inner-peace as a sign of weakness and I’ve been tempted to remind that I’m not with the bullshit. Although old habits die hard there are better ways and I’m finding my way. I have a new mantra that I coined in Chicago, ‘I’m a writer not a fighter’ lol. it helps.

Lesson 3: Next Steps

Those who know me know that I’m down for grad school. I’ve been setting myself up for it for awhile. Research, writing, research, GRE, etc. etc. tweaking my GPA (4.0 last semester ijs). But the University of Chicago taught me something, it taught me that I’m not sure if that’s for me right now. I want adventure. I want to continue learning about myself. I want to meet new people, see new things, and eat new food. I wanna take pictures in iconic places. I wanna dance. Grad school is like marriage it’ll come, I’ll continue preparing myself for it…but I thought I was ready for it but I’m not.

I’m happy about where I am. I’m happy with who I’ve become but I know there’s a long way too go. So for the next 365 this is what I’m gonna do:

• work on releasing and just trusting.
• realize that money isn’t everything & splurge a bit. have a good time.
• live in the moment
• don’t be soooooo uptight. chill out.
• you could benefit from being a bit more organized
• calm down. don’t take things so personal. see above ^^ chill out.
• s m i l e smile s m i l e

who knows when I’ll see you again blogosphere. Might be another 365…can’t wait to see how it goes

be well,

asha

the goodbye/hello post

So here we go again. It seems just like yesterday I was writing my blog post about going to England and the excitement that I felt then. & here I am writing the goodbye post, heartbreaking in every single way. The truth is, I honestly have had a better experience here than I have ever had in my life. I have met people that inspire me, accept me, respect me, interest me and every other thing that I value about humanity. My expectations have been exceeded ten-fold. I know that goodbyes are hard and I might be writing from a completely warped perspective but I feel like I did coke. because once you do coke, your pleasure center is all warped and you’re going to spend the rest of your life trying to chase that initial high.

 

I wrote that the night before I left and in between packing, saying goodbye and all the other crazy emotions and tasks I had to complete I never had time to post it. I actually just reread it and the coke part disturbs me a little buttttt….it’s there for a reason so I won’t delete it. disclaimer: i’ve never done coke and have no intentions of doing it either. crack is wack right? But I’m home now and while I love it I can’t help but long for foggy old england. It became my home and my life and I met people that I genuinely cared for and I think cared for me. I could actually gush about the people that I met and tell you what makes each and everyone of them special too me, but that would take forever and it would probably embarrass some folks. But like I said I’ve been home, for about 10days now actually, and I have not wanted to let go of England and have been in contact with someone from that place I think everyday. Reverse culture shock for sure. All the things I’ve gone through there, met best friends, had crushes, danced all night, drank wayyyyy too much, laughed, cried, celebrated, been disappointed, anxious, stressed, annoyed, happy, content and even mourned. England was home for me and no one may ever understand how I feel about that place. But I’m attached. & for those of you who know me, I’m always down for an adventure in a new place so picking up and dipping is never a real big problem, but Europe maybe an exception.

But I’m home. And while it wasn’t that hard to adjusting to being back (the rain in june made it seem like I just left and I wasn’t jetlagged at all) and my beautiful family made my heart melt it’s weird. Maybe it’s because I’m severely poor – (somehow traveling home drained me…I was okay before then…) or maybe because I’m back to reality but it’s strange being back. But whatever, I’m back and chicago in 8 days. So it’s not over yet ya’ll!!!

this is not the last you’ll hear of me!

xxxx,

asha

ps: i’m trying to convince a brilliant englishmen to post a link to an awesome cover that he did. if he lets me you should definitely check it out-it’s my favorite thing on the internet right now. <3

home is where the what is?

I’ve been in England for quite awhile and going home is coming up soon. So of course I’ve been reflecting on how I feel about going home and honestly, I don’t really want to go, but it’s time. However, I’m geeked and relieved that I’ll only be spending a few days in Sacramento, I’m really trying to decrease my stays there to as short as possible & if I didn’t need to get my hair done, a couple of doctor’s appointments, and a few days to get over jet lag, I’d kiss my mother, hug my dad and brothers (asiaf wont be there when I am), spoil my nephews and niece and be out to chicago. But when you’re away for six months you’ve got to take care of business. Unfortunately that means I’m going to have to go on visits. I’m not really a visiting type, being coo’d over infuriates me, but it can’t be avoided. Just thinking about it exhausts me. Also, my funds are at an all time low, so I need to get back stateside reallllll quick. Otherwise, I’d stay here for a little longer.

But more about why I don’t really want to go home and would be content staying in England. While there are things in the states that I miss, especially the dollar & toilet seat covers (Europe, where are the toilet seat covers?) I’m not really homesick. English food is definitely gross, but I cook for myself and I’ve gotten over that. I miss my vehicle, but gas is stupidly expensive so if I were home I wouldn’t be driving. Sure I miss some people buttttt we stay in contact and I’ve got friends here…Oh & I miss the California sunshine…but I’ll be spending the summer in Illinois so I’ll still be missing it. I am super excited to be going to Chicago though-my next adventure! Honestly, I just don’t want to be in Sacramento. Home is not a happy place for me & while it has had its moments, it historically hasn’t been a happy place for me. I am excited to lay in my bed, but just thinking about Meadowview stresses me. But of course, this is just me typing while I’m not in a particularly good space. Reflecting and thinking about how it felt to live there, my circumstances, nixos. To be fair I hope I can accurately and fairly describe these feelings, but fair to who? It wasn’t the worst place in the world but it haunts me and I don’t really want to go back.

You’ve caught me haven’t you? I’m usually not this forthcoming.  But since I don’t have a diary and talking to individuals about my feelings isn’t really my shit…here it is. don’t get used to it, i’ll be super private & delete this post by the morning champs.

Anyyywayyyyy, I’m looking forward to my upcoming travels. Berlin, Brussels and Dublin! I know some of you lovely and loyal readers are interested in knowing about my travels but I’m working on compiling a list of dopeness from each city with PICTURES! yes PICTURESSSSS (except Milan which I have no pics of because it wasn’t dopeness) jkkkkk! so it’ll have to wait until after I get back from Dublin! so stay tuned for that!!!

xoxo,

asha